365 ?s Nov.6

If you could get rid of one of your habits, what would it be?

I would strike the extra “I’m Sorrys” from my vocabulary. It is one of my compulsions. I fear that I will always be stating I’m sorry, though. 

I’m sorry I didn’t complete a task that affects you in no way.

I’m sorry my house isn’t in perfect condition when I have small children.

I’m sorry that I disciplined my children when they made a choice that wasn’t safe, kind, or respectful.

I’m sorry that I don’t stay in touch more because my anxiety tells me you don’t want to talk to me anyways.

I’m sorry I’m failing as a wife and mother.

I’m sorry that when I’m in a social environment that I’m not comfortable with, I become a Chandler Bing. Jokes, I’ve got them. Because if I was serious, and vulnerable then you might not like me.

So yes I would have to say that I am sorry that I can never seem to stop saying I’m sorry.

365 ?s Nov.6

27- The Year I lost My Voice

I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty friend the last few months. 27 is the year of claiming myself from the demons of the past. It’s the year of me trying to be ok, when I feel anything but ok. I’m sorry I haven’t been texting, or calling, or visiting, or even talking on Facebook. I’ve been feeling pretty lost trying to detach from the unhealthy details of my past.

I am a survivor of neglect, emotional/verbal abuse, sexual abuse, and physical abuse. How I handled that in the past was to ignore it, and just try and put on a happy face, and take life light hearted. On the inside, I felt constantly judged and shameful for basic human interactions. I constantly feel overly socially awkward. When I was 24-26 I started working on a positive body image. That took about two years to feel body confident. And now that I’m trying to work on letting go of the hold these memories of the past, I’m feeling it heavily.

I can’t speak for others, but sometimes I feel like I am constantly thinking. In an average conversation, if the subject at all relates or reminds me of a detail or memory of my past I can’t just let that moment pass. There is a level of trauma there that has me sitting here quietly analyzing whether or not these instances are similar. Now I look at the memory, figuratively, and relate it to a personal set of mannerisms that I’ve acquired to guard myself against further hurt, remind myself that I’m safe from particular situation now, and try to release myself from this memory.

I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty friend. Sometimes I need to retreat, and heal from these feelings of mourning. This is the year where I’m tearing myself away from the past, it’s hold is deep on me. I have a few close friends that are dealing with the thick of life right now, too. I feel ill equipped to help them through their struggles because I’m so lost in my own. Just know that I’m here thinking of you, and you are in my heart deeply as I deal with this.

I can feel myself getting stronger, though. I can feel happiness surfacing more often, and stronger. I’ll come back as that ride or die friend you know, but this girl will be anchored with a positive self view. This girl won’t be apologizing for merely existing. One day I will be a person who can look back and remember the hard times, and smile, and think, “I’m not a victim, but I survived.” I will remember how far I’ve come. I will forget. I will forgive, most of all myself.

27- The Year I lost My Voice

My Kids Ran In Two Different Directions

Today, I awoke to my son punching me in the eye a couple of times with his little fists to get me awake. I was up with him a couple of times in the middle of the night, he is having a little tummy trouble. I spare you the details, but parenting is gross sometimes. I’ll just leave it at that. So, I ended up sleeping in the kids room, after a lot of broken sleep. They woke up an hour early. They’re tired. I’m tired. My eye is sore.

I’m totally a morning person normally. But one can only sleep terribly so many nights in a row before they want to cacoon themselves in a blanket fort and deny entrance to others. I put on some My Little Pony Friends, and tried to plan out today so I would not be a grumpy troll. So, I thought I would take the kiddos to one of those play cafe places. Essentially, it’s a place where I could just watch my kids play with other kiddos, helping when needed. I can relax, they can get out that energy. And they did. It went so well, and we all had fun. Mission accomplished.

We were there for a little two hours. I decided to make the transition easy to go by getting one of their cute lion cookies. And then it’s time to really time to go. My five year old starts out our “adventure” as we’ll call it.  She starts running towards the entrance of the play area. At the same moment my 3 year old starts inching, then running in another direction. As a parent your heart just skips a beat, and the panic hits. They ran in two different directions.

I feel the parents eyes on me. I go for the closest kid first, my five year old, picking her up quickly. She flails and hits her head on the half wall. She is hysterical, and I have to put a pause on calming her because my son is still running. I put Emma in our booth, and run after Charlie. He is fast, but I know my son and always have my running shoes ready. After a chase, I catch him before he reaches an exit or the storage room. Both were close.

The whole thing lasted 1-2 minutes. In those moments I felt scared- terrified really that one of my kids would bolt to the street, I felt embarrassed because you know your parenting skills are being judged. You know someone is thinking that your kids are just feral, or you just don’t discipline them well enough, or you’re just too hippie-ish in your parenting style. Because immediately after they did this, I didn’t scream at them, I reinforced the rule of not running away from our parents. I talked to them, still with the adrenaline coursing through my system. And then I was silent.

I packed them in the car, and sat a moment. And then started driving. The tears started flowing, a rush emotion. I love these kids so dearly, and so tightly. This will probably be a moment in time that I will always remember those feelings shame, and fear, and embarrassment, and love, and again fear so strongly.

Not the worst thing to happen in the grand scheme of life. But here I am, 5 hours later still thinking back to those few moments and giving thanks that today ended ok.

My Kids Ran In Two Different Directions

Oh hey there…

Why yes it is the much awaited fifth blog attempt I am going to try to keep alive. Like a house plant, I have effectively killed all other attempts of my previous hobby blogs. Why one might ask, if one was inclined to ask such unimportant questions of course? Because like said houseplant, you can’t feed and let it grow with bull shit. In my other blogs I caught the sugar-coating everything bug. I tried to give the potential readers what I thought would be interesting for them to read, and instead of sharing my real experience. That is kind of just stupid, don’t you think?

So forget all of that junk from before, and let’s be real right now. The holiday season is officially over. I survived planning and executing three of my immediate family’s birthdays, including my own, in December. I got a brief break from planning, and bringing the children to each of the three separate Christmas celebrations… because my family is so extended and close and crazy that we can’t have it all in one go. Then we went on to have three of us break out with a stomach virus. My two children are currently sitting on the floor playing nicely with cars, a rare treat indeed. The Hubby and I are presently reclining in comfy chairs, resting from yet another long weekend of making it awesome for the family. What I’m realizing more and more is that making memories is an exhausting business.

I took this last week to recover and to give myself a much needed break from planning and executing. This week I’ll go into a party planning Pinterest pinning frenzy to plan my daughter’s 5th birthday. She wants a Sonic the Hedgehog birthday. That should be fun, while also giving me motivation to deep clean our house the day before the party. That shouldn’t be stressful AT ALL.

That’s all I’ve got for now, except maybe that I’ve probably gained 10 pounds from Christmas and birthday fun. That means hitting the gym more again and the not so much fun diet wrangling. Yay, stay away from me the next week because I’m going to probably HANGRY for all of the carbs and sweets.

‘Til next time peeps.

 

Oh hey there…